Dear Me at Forty-Three,

Thank you for writing to me all these years. I am very curious about what I am like at forty-three. Am I married? Do I have children? What is my husband like? Or, maybe I’m not married. My feeling now is that if it does happen, it probably won’t be until I’m in my thirties or forties. I don’t know why I feel that way but I do. What type of career do I have? Have I written a novel or I am working in international government? Maybe I’m a psychologist.

Anyway, I’m in ninth grade now and will be going to high school next year. I haven’t been excelling in school the past year or two. I don’t know why. I guess I got tired of not getting recognized or praised for doing well. That sounds like an excuse but do you think my parents could sound even a little more enthusiastic when I come home with good news about my school work? Last year, I did well in the science project; I even went on to compete against kids in other schools. It was held at the college and was a lot of fun. I came home and told Mom and Dad how well I did and I got the usual, which was something like, “That’s great.” It doesn’t sound bad when I write it down like this but Dad couldn’t even be bothered to get up off his chair in the living room to come talk to me about it.

It was always like this. I remember when Mom would come home from conferences in elementary school and I had to keep asking her questions about how it went because otherwise she probably wouldn’t say anything! I really wanted, just once, for both of them to say, “Great job, honey!” “Let’s do something to celebrate!” I don’t think they were praised enough when they were kids which is maybe why they don’t know how to praise us (my brothers, sister and me).

Maybe that’s not the only reason my grades have slipped. I’ve just lost interest in school work. It seems like my mind is always occupied with something else. Thoughts about people, relationships…..guys! There’s always a dialogue going on in my head. I think about how I don’t measure up. Am I pretty enough? Why can’t I be one of those short, cute, petite girls who get all of the attention? Why do I clam up whenever a cute guy is around? It’s like my brain shuts off and I become mute. I’ve lost a lot of the self-confidence I had when I was a little girl. Boy, I hope I get it back!

I am working on getting my grades back up and I’m trying not to get too freaked out about starting high school. It’s probably just more of the same, right?

Well, I’m going to end this letter by saying that I hope you continue to write to me. I hope we are having a great life at forty-three.

Until next time,

Me at Fifteen